"What, you're gay? I already knew that, now let me go take a shower and lie down, it's tiring having a job you know!"
"What... no, I'm not gay, why did you think that?" you ask confusedly.
"What? You aren't? Christ, you need to get laid then, this is just getting sad!"
"Er.... well, I know, and you see, I have a plan to advance myself speedily in that general direction, I just need to score some testosterone first."
"No kidding, nothing with a poon would want to get anywhere near a pathetic little pansy like you. Well... maybe a bull dyke or something."
"Um... well... sure, but like, I was hoping you maybe could score me some hormone supplements from work."
"Tha fuck son!" she blurts out in shock, "What kind of dental clinic do you think I work at anyway?"
"Um... well Dr. Bleedwell is a doctor isn't he?"
"That don't mean he's got a pantry full of hormones. Jeezus Christ son? Why the hell did I waste all that fucking money putting you through school for. You are dumber than your sack of shit father."
"I.. I thought you said he was a scientist....."
"Don't mean he wasn't a skull full of rocks. Although now that I think about the fact that he doesn't have to sit here and have these fucking retarded conversations with you, you know what? Maybe he was the smart one."
"So.... will you help me?" You ask giving her the saddest puppy dog eyes you can possibly muster.
Your mother sighs and then pauses; staring deep and contemplatively into your eyes. "Ok... listen. This is kind of a secret Dental Hygienist's formula, no one else who didn't go to dental school knows about this, so you have to promise not to tell anyone."
"Oh goody goody gum drops mummy! You're the best ever! I love you so dern much!" you leap up and plant a plethora of hugs and kisses all over her face.
"Alright, here's what you need: bleach, drano, a handful of advil, and the whole bottle of type 3 Tylenol up on the top shelf there. Mix em all up in a bucket, and drink it all down in one gulp. It pretty much replicates testosterone."
"Oh man! Thanks mom! You are so pretty!"
As you turn to race down the stairs to root out your ingredient list, your mother calls out to you. "Oh, one more thing hunny, when you drink it, could you do it out in the garage? It's just, it's more manly that way."
"Tee hee hee! MANLY MOUSTACHE HERE I COME!"
